Seasonal Life Updates In No Particular Order, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying And Embrace the Mom Brain

Updates from Becca

I have wanted to write a blog for a while now, but when you take care of 10 little girls under 10 years old, your brain changes.  Long ago, I would have been able to come up with some beautiful, insightful words that perfectly articulate the world in which I live and move.  Thoughts that are not only therapeutic, but point to some greater truth.  But now, I have what my friend Cathlene, calls ‘Mom Brain.’ 

All I can think about are the details, the practical needs of the day-to-day, doctors appointments, who peed their blankets, what I will feed my gluten-free child, how to get our smallest 6 year old to count to three, cleaning, diapers, new toothbrushes, fun activities (aka pools), Christmas presents, upcoming birthdays, dentists, attitude issues, how to give individual attention to each precious one, fingernails, chapstick, baby walking, baby using sign language, baby throwing tantrums, group home requirements, and the list goes on and on.  Not to mention thoughts about the baby inside of me and what that will look like with our big family here.   It’s 3am and no wonder I’m awake.  So this blog might not turn out as some deep, life changing note about life in Huehue and how we are developing, but it will be real and honest because that’s all moms have energy for when it comes down to it. 

            Life right now… so the children have been home for 2 months on school vacation.  A little bit more than a month to go!!! Hallelujah.  

Actually, school vacation with a big family becomes a way of life.  It’s fun having more time with the girls and getting to do things we don’t normally get to do, like going to a mini-waterpark 2 hours away and Xela in a few weeks to go to a movie theater!  (We have been trying to train them on how to not go to the bathroom a million times an hour, so hopefully we can enjoy the movie).  I’m not sure how I will handle the transition back to school.  I probably will remember more things, have more clean underwear, and a cleaner house.  Maybe we can get the smell of rotten papaya that has developed over the last week to leave.  We think a rat died in our ceiling… lovely.  But guess what, no time to deal with that right now. 

            In the last month, we have welcomed two new girls into our foster family.  They have been an unexpected and amazing addition to our family.  I really did expect the worst because one is from the baby room, and to be honest, babies who grew up in the baby room have some serious issues, and one is older who came down from a group of older girls, who, well, have even more attitude issues.  I pictured what we experienced in our first few months here.  Attitude, rebellion, explosive tantrums, fighting, manipulation.  Well, guess what, both girls have just jumped on in and have brought a positive influence into our home.  I give the credit to our other girls because they welcomed them in with such loving hearts and explained to them how we do life in our group.  This was so beautiful.  As our scared former-‘baby,’ came in, she was welcomed to older sisters who just wanted to help and guide her and comfort her because they know how hard it is to leave the baby room.  They told her you can call Becca, Mama, and Brook, Papi, if you want to because they love you, but you don’t have to.  They told her ‘they are good to us and they give us snacks’. 

Snacks ultimately are the biggest reason our family functions, besides Jesus of course.  As our older girl came in, super resistant and pissed off, because this was supposed to be a three day discipline, her hard face soon softened as the older girls excitedly told her how fun it was to be with our group because we left the Fundacion every day and well, they get snacks.  Field trips and snacks, people.  These are the keys to parenthood.  So what started out as a discipline for an out-of-control child who was apparently manipulating other girls and calling our administrator names (cockroach is one of our favorites) and not doing any of her chores or personal hygiene responsibilities, has already called me mom and gives me hugs all day, is excited to wash her clothes with the other girls, is letting me brush her hair, and is now with us indefinitely with a big smile on her face.  Who knows why?  Just Holy Spirit doing his thing, I guess.  Sure is not us, I can promise you that. 

The cool thing about this season is that what we do really is impossible stuff.  And that means, it’s not really us doing the hard work.  It’s only Jesus.  Literally.  One baby is enough. We have 10.  Pregnancy is hard. Here I am 4 months along and haven’t packed my suitcases.  (I have threatened to many times though, when I am emotional at 3am).  And it is not because I am good at what I do.  It is pure grace, and grace alone.  I just show up and do my best.  I am super flawed.  I lose my patience.  I get frustrated.  I lay on the kitchen floor crying sometimes when I can’t get up, throwing a little fit like my 6 year olds.  I literally forget everything and don’t speak English or Spanish perfectly.  I cry.  I think my children are the most wonderful and stupidest gifts from God at the same time.  I am selfish.  Everyday I say I want to go home, but that is mostly because I want a shower that works, a rat/bug free living environment that doesn’t smell like rotten papaya, things to make sense, and well, the beach.  Oh and quiet, America is SO quiet.  We wake up to screaming teenage boys, singing little girls, a water business with a microbus blasting marimba, and then go to sleep with sounds of a circus and the occasional concert next door. 

BUT I get to say thank you every day for my husband, for my girls, for my AMAZING community who belongs on a TV show (Guatemalan, children home, Friends, anybody??), an awesome living space despite it’s flaws, every single child here, everybody who greets my growing baby with a belly rub (Baby Nash already is the most loved baby to come into the world), wonderful Guatemalan friends/staff, warm weather, plastic Christmas trees, health, internet to stay in contact with family/friends back home, more than sufficient finances, and lots of laughter, hugs, ridiculous braids, and SNACKS.  (Our girls tell Jesus thank you for snacks every night when they pray!)

            These are the things of our life right now.  It’s all grace, man! And lots of details.  And joy. And fun.  And some nausea.  Oh, big update, Megan and I received rocking chairs for Christmas today!!! Lots of tea time, soaking in the sun on the cancha to come.  These moms will make it through one more month of school break.  The kids might poop their pants, throw rocks at Monty (the community dog), or sneak some extra sugar in, but Megs and I will be ok, we have rocking chairs.  Thanks Alycia! And thanks to you who are taking the time to read about, care for, and be involved in our lives for a brief ratito.  More to come, when the kiddos are back in school.  Peace, ya’ll.

Reminded by Joy, Excited for Home

“All Joy reminds. It is never a possession, always a desire for something longer ago or further away or still 'about to be.”

~ C.S. Lewis

First of all, forgive me if this post is a bit rambling in its approach. I tried to tie together many different thoughts, experiences, and developments from the past couple of months. While several themes have certainly emerged, life is not always as simple as fitting within the parameters of an insightful quote (see above) or poignant witticism (see previous blog post). We are just back from a ten-day trip to California, where we successfully completed the first step of applying for residency in Guatemala. After a whirlwind of family visits, errands, consulate appointments, and a few shopping sprees to replace old shoes and cooking gear, I’m sitting on the porch of our Airbnb room at Lake Atitlan as we take a few days for extended rest. At first, it felt a little luxurious extending our trip to allow for this time at the lake, but I’m now glad that we made the conscious decision to rest before returning to Huehue and the girls. These few days have allowed us to reflect on the past eight months, process what the future will look like, and have some quality time with old friends here that we consider to be mentors.

The last two months have seen a lot of change in the way we do life with the girls, all in a positive way. The idea for the first six months was a sort of “trial” period to see how both we, as foster parents, and the girls respond to the new house parent model. After the first six months, we saw nothing but positive change, so we decided to step up our role with the girls, moving more toward family roles as we simultaneously moved away from group home living. This has meant transforming a room connected to our little casita at the back of the group home into a dining room and playroom for the girls. They now have their own space where they can play and do school work in the afternoons. This space has also allowed us to start doing most meals with the girls alone, rather than in the large dining hall that they previously shared with all 85 kids at the children’s home.

After waking up in the morning, the girls now come back to our house for breakfast and to start the day. Then, after school and afternoon activities, they end the day with dinner in our house as well. Lunches are still with the group out front, to help transition to afternoon activities. Becca has started doing homework with Johana, our oldest, and we’ve seen radical progress in both her reading and math skills. She now absolutely loves math, and online math games have now become the reward for out-loud reading sessions. This past month we also celebrated a few birthdays, complete with balloons, decorations, and a silly birthday hat – the picture below is from my birthday celebration that the girls so eagerly decorated for.  Also in the last two months, almost all of the girls have started calling us “Mami” and “Papi”, which still moves me every time I hear it. We still don’t know what’s in the future for these eight girls, but we are thankful that, for now, we are able to form a family life for them in the day to day.

As you can imagine, the past months have been filled with both joy and frustration. I’m sure any parent can relate to the fact that reality is far from picture perfect. We get tired. We get frustrated. We get discouraged. Sometimes we wonder if we can keep doing this and, if we can, for how long. These are the moments when Baby Ana won’t take the food she needs or when Johana has a hard time figuring out addition and subtraction in 2^nd grade. It’s when one of the girls tells a lie for the ninth time in a week. It’s when we try our best to provide for the girls’ nutrition, education, and mental health but don’t feel like we have the power or ability to.

But in between all of those moments, we are reminded by joy. We are reminded by Virginia’s jokes, by Alicia’s smiles, by Cristel’s fashion statements, by Ana’s hugs. We are reminded of not only who these girls are, but more importantly what they can and will be. I usually think of joy as something you experience in the moment, but our story in Christ means that joy is not limited to these moments. We have a lot of dreams for this place, and for these girls. We picture individual family houses, complete with a big dining room table, vegetable garden, and plenty of green space to run. It’s hard to have patience for this dream, for this future, when the reality today looks very different. But those little moments of joy remind us that the future we imagine is possible. “For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face”: for now, we see glimpses of the completely joyful future that Christ has in mind for these girls through the moments of joy today. And for now, it’s enough to be thankful for those moments and what they mean for the future.

All of this joy reminds of what home is. It reminds us of the perfect home we have in heaven, and the imperfect but beautiful version of it we have here on earth. While we were gone in the U.S. Sophia, a friend who works with us in Huehue, wrote about the idea of home:

“Maybe home isn’t just a physical place, not just the people who live there, not even the state of your heart. Maybe it’s not about where home is found, but rather who occupies it. Jesus answered him, ‘If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him’ (John 14:23).”

After visiting ‘home’ in California and ‘home’ at Lake Atitlan and looking forward to getting back ‘home’ to Huehue, I’m convinced that this is the conception of home closest to my heart. I’m sitting here at the lake, listening to the rain, but I cannot wait to get back to the messy life we have in Huehue. Not because of a specific calling or commission, but because Jesus has made His home with us and I want, above all else, to share that home with the little girls He’s made in His image and that we’ve been beyond blessed to share life with this year. Our time of rest is almost up, but it’s the joy I see in these girls that reminds me of what home is all about. Our life in Huehue is not an idyllic scene from a snow globe; it’s not a picture perfect vision of mission work, of family, or of the call to take care of the orphans. We make mistakes, both big and little ones. We get upset and frustrated. But it’s not the frustrating moments that have lasting value, it’s the joyful ones. The point is, life in Huehue is not only filled with joy. But it’s filled with just enough joy to remind us of what is about to be. It’s hard, but it’s home.

No Simile for Parenthood

Over the past six months, I’ve learned a great deal. I’ve learned that the best way to avoid lying is to not set them up for it, that you can pretend veggies are a treat if you play it right, and that it’s dangerous to let a baby have too much naked time (read: explosive poop all over the floor). More than anything, though, as I reflect on all of these deeply profound findings, I’ve realized one thing: there’s no simile for parenthood. There is just no solitary part of life that it can be compared to. I’ve tried.

Like jumping out of an airplane with a parachute? Much scarier.

As scary as jumping out of an airplane without a parachute? Close, but not quite.

As crazy as a mosh pit? Crazier.

As joyful as flash mob? That’s only a small slice.

As funny as a sitcom? C’mon.

None of these even begins to capture the wholeness of parenting. More entertaining than a movie, more exhausting than a marathon, more rewarding than any job. These are things I didn’t know getting into all this six months ago. I know we are in a foster care role right now, but that doesn’t stop the fullness of these emotions being felt. I knew our life would change, but I didn’t know I’d be in tears bringing one of our five-year olds to the ER or laughing hysterically when our ten-month old gets crazy hyper before bedtime. These are things I’m glad I didn’t know getting into this thing, because it’s been a wonder discovering them.

For the past two months, we have been caring for a baby in addition to the other seven girls. Baby Ana has been the anecdote to any stress we were feeling before that point. We are very grateful that she sleeps through the night, eats nearly everything we can give her, and is just an absolute joy to be around. She has gone from being “severely” malnourished to “moderately” malnourished in these two months as well as caught up on her developmental milestones. We expect her to start walking and talking (or at least more coherently babbling) any day now. We are not Ana’s adoptive parents, but I could not have imagined the love that has grown between us in the last two months of life together. Now I can’t imagine the words to describe it. If any of you think of a simile for parenthood, feel free to let me know.  

The closest thing I can think of is it’s like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute while also chasing after eight little ones who also don’t have parachutes and having faith that the guy above you does, indeed, have a parachute.

***If you'd like to support us on this crazy journey, visit: https://www.youcaring.com/brooklin-becca-nash-598628

New additions and transitions

But Jesus said, "Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14 

About a month ago, we received a two-day baby announcement: we were bringing home an eight-month year old! Two days later, we moved the crib, her clothes, some diapers, and a little bit of formula.  We welcomed in our baby girl.  The questions and worries we had during that two-day period faded as we received this tiny but grand blessing.  Ana, which means favor or grace, is truly one of our greatest gifts from God.  How good is He to gift us with this bundle of joy, silly noises, and cuddles (plus some poopy diapers, which aren’t so bad).  We do not have legal foster parent status, but within the institution of the Fundacion, we are her primary caretakers, 24/7.  All cries during the night, all diapers, all meal times, all giggles and milestones, all doctor appointments and court hearings, all of this is our blessing. 

Our life has changed in many ways in this past month, as you can imagine.  From learning about diets of malnourished infants to teething, we have come a far way in our baby know-how. Sweeping more, tiptoeing to the bathroom during nap time, peek-a-boo, and working our blender to the grind is our new normal.  We still have to figure out how to not lose her teeny-tiny socks and how to respectfully navigate parenting advice from others, but overall I think our happy baby approves of our novice parenting skills.  As for our other girls (now 7), they are excellent big sisters, making sure she never puts anything small in her mouth and that she has constant interaction and stimulation (though sometimes I have to tell them to tone it down a little).  It has been especially rewarding to see our youngest 5 year old who has a similar past as Ana, and who is still malnourished and developmentally the size of a 3 year old, grow out of the role of baby into the role of big sister.  More than that, one of our most particularly troubled girls, who previously rejected almost all forms of love, has somehow softened and has had more joy in her attitude and interactions with others since helping take care of Ana.  Grace truly does cover this entire troop of ours.  As for now, we have to get back to the dishes and cleaning before Anna wakes up! 

No pictures of Ana yet (we're terrible at picture taking), but here's three of our girls doing their thing!

To love is to be vulnerable

March was a crazy time for everyone here in Huehue. We hosted three mission teams in five weeks, my family came to visit, we had to leave for Mexico to renew our visas, moved house, and saw one of our family sibling sets adopted and flown to the United States. Also, one of the girls lost a tooth and another found 5 quetzales, so it’s been an eventful few weeks. Needless to say, the last month brought both a lot of blessings and a lot of busyness to the community.

More than anything, we have been absolutely blown away by the amount of support we’ve received in the last couple of months. In the last ten weeks, we’ve received Spanish and English children’s books, blankets, lice combs, undergarments, and a good amount of chocolate (for sanity). We want to thank each and every person who has shown so much generosity over the last couple of months. We can tell you that the girls have felt the outpouring of love.

The biggest piece of news from this month is that Regina, one of the oldest girls we were taking care of, has been adopted along with her siblings by an American couple. This last weekend, when we saw them off, was the definition of bittersweet. We could not be happier to see Regina and her siblings taken into a loving, stable home as they continue to grow up. At the same time, there were a good amount of tears as we realized they were leaving our Huehue family for good. Please keep Maria, Cristina, Regina and Daniel (as well the Delap parents) in your prayers as they make this exciting, scary, and wonderful transition.

Beyond this, our biggest prayer request is for wisdom and provision as we look to transitioning into full family-style housing very soon. The idea of living here at the Fundacion and taking care of the girls as a ‘trial’ was to see how the kids responded and how it works over all. After seeing many behavioral issues come to light, attitudes change, and love received, we’re convinced that the verdict is: it works. With this in mind, we want to have the girls move in with us as soon as possible, and start transitioning the rest of the Fundacion into a similar setting. This will take a lot of prayer, and even more faith, to bring about. We need finances, willing house parent volunteers, and a huge amount of grace to move forward. Please join us in prayer as we move forward seeing this accomplished.

During the last two months, we’ve been through a steep learning curve – and we’re still far from the top. Between running Google searches for things like “best essential oil for bee stings” and “how to discipline a child who breaks something” – along with quite a bit of prayer and trial and error – we’ve learned a lot about what it means to love unconditionally. Not that we have shown love unconditionally – instead, our girls and Jesus have shown us unconditional love as we’ve lost our patience and made many mistakes along the way. We look forward to experiencing more of this kind of love firsthand.

As a final thought, I want to share a post that one of our teammates/workplace proximity associate/friends/family members posted. Marcos has been here for just about two years, and sums up our thinking about the “new normal”. After a year and a half in Guatemala (and counting!), and two months with these girls, “normal” has come to mean something completely different. Check it out here: https://marktomarcos.wordpress.com/2016/04/07/normal/

All Joy Reminds

The best part about stories is that they change. Our stories used to include funny cross-cultural exchanges or adventures in travel. Now, our very best stories consist solely of sassy five year olds, cleaning poopy hands, and the adventure of making popcorn for nine little girls who are still fascinated by the notion. And we couldn’t be happier about the change.

This first month as “house parents” has been more joyful, more difficult, and more laughter-filled than we could have imagined. Over the past four weeks, we’ve created a new story every day (mostly thanks to the shenanigans of our girls). Just like the first month of our marriage, the last month with the girls has taught us a lot about how to love, showed us where many of our faults lie, and taken a huge dose of patience.

A typical day (if there even is such a thing) starts at 5am, when we wake the girls up to shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, and get ready for school. This in and of itself is a challenge; by the time you get one up and changing, another may be back asleep in their bed. To help everyone wake up a little faster, Brooklin sings the “Good Morning” song from Bullfrongs & Butterflies (which the girls have now taken to singing all hours of the day). Breakfast is at 6am, the older girls go to school at 7, and the littles leave just before 8.

After 4 hours to ourselves (which really translates into cleaning, admin work, etc) all of the girls are home by 1pm. They change out of their uniform, eat lunch, brush their teeth, and have a couple hours of free time. We’ve been introducing nap time (a new concept to them), and it’s gone really well, even if they don’t know it yet. Sometimes only one or two end up falling asleep after reading to them; a couple of times we’ve had eight of them sleeping all at once (a huge success in our book). After a (hopefully) successful naptime, we have a snack altogether before they head to tutoring for their Spanish classes. Dinner is at 6pm, and involves wrangling all nine of the girls into one table and ensuring they eat all of their food (a difficult task when they are so eager to share). 

After dinner, it’s shower and bedtime. Some nights this looks like everyone getting showered and changed into their pajamas in twenty minutes – which also translates into enjoying time to read, play, organize clothes, or just cuddle. Other nights are not so easy, and it can take two hours before they are all ready for bed. Needless to say, our favorite nights are the twenty-minutes-to-change-an-hour-to-read ones.

Hopefully that overview gives you an idea of what our “day-to-day” looks like. However, the best moments aren’t found in the schedule. The best moments are the ones when we get to be silly during bedtime; when we see a five-year old girl go from hitting as a first response to using her words; when we hug and pray with the girls at night; when we greet them coming home from school, excited about what they learned that day.

While we have definitely seen progress in the last few weeks, we definitely have many things we are continuing to pray into, and we would love you all to partner with us in that. As CS Lewis wrote, “All joy reminds” – it reminds us of what is about to be, and can be accomplished by strength and love in the Lord. Some of our specific prayer requests include:

-       Breakthrough with two of the girls, who are still resistant to both our love and our role as authority figures

-       Increased patience with the girls in long days

-       The ability to rest in the time that’s given two us (in the mornings and Saturdays)

-       The continued strengthening of our marriage, as we go abruptly from being completely on our own to having the responsibility of parenthood

-       Wisdom in how to balance respect toward Guatemalan staff and implement what we see as loving discipline and a nurturing environment

-       Continued financial provision, as our available time to work towards paying off our student loans is even less than before

Thank you all for taking the time to read through our update, and particularly for partnering with us in prayer as we continue on from here! Feel free to message or email us with any questions (or encouragement)!

If you're interested in supporting us in our work here, check out: http://youcaring.com/brookandbeccainguatemala 

Quiet Hours Turning to Years

Sometimes life throws you crazy circumstances that require prayer and a heavy dosage of faith to get through. Other times, God throws you a crazy vision of the future, and you need only wait for the circumstances to match. This past year, Becca and I have experienced primarily the first side of that coin. This week, we experienced the opposite: an opportunity that was an answer to prayer, the fruition of a desire we have had since we began life together almost three years ago.

Next week, we will be taking on the responsibility and joy of fostering eight little girls. When the MTC leadership approached us about this last Saturday, our first and immediate response was total excitement. For the last couple of years, we have known that we are called to “parenthood” beyond the beginning of our own biological family. Until this week, we didn’t know if that meant adoption, foster care in the US, or something else entirely. Now we know. It means living as “house mom and dad” for Alicia, Cristel, Galilea, Luz, Virginia, Mileni, Joanna, and Regina. In the beginning of February, we will move into a room at the children’s home to be close to the girls. It’s in this space that we will be doing our best to create a home environment with them – waking them up and putting them to sleep, reading them stories, putting them in time out (it’s bound to happen), baking, crying, and laughing together.

Beyond our excitement for taking on the joys, struggles, and daily needs of these girls, we are encouraged about what it means for the future of the children’s home and MTC. The idea is that the next 6-12 months with these girls will be a sort of “trial”, to see what transitioning the entire children’s home into family-style housing would look like. We are still quite a ways from that, but we are confident that this will be the start of something great.

While we are bolstered by our excitement and the fact that it’s actually an answer to prayer, this new role will certainly have its own set of challenges and questions. Please join us in prayer as we jump into this with both feet – and if you have any parenting advice, feel free to share. :)

We'll try to share updates, joys, and prayer requests as we step into this new role together. 

Love,

Brooklin & Becca