Where
do I begin.
I am
without words.
Do I
begin with her, climbing on me before I have a chance to say no. The strongest ‘baby’ I have ever met,
staring in my eyes with her open, gorgeous expression, and the next thing she
says is “You’re ugly.” Nice to
meet you too, sweetheart.
Fast
forward a few months, she is no longer a ‘baby’ but a big kid in the wide open
space that is the children's home. No
siblings to protect her. No
caretaker to watch after her. She
felt alone, invisible, overlooked.
She was no longer the boss of all the other babies, but a vulnerable one
in a new room, with new roommates, no routine or structure. She sat in my lap and cried her eyes
out and then looked up at me and asked, “Will you adopt me?” and “What is
adoption?” Caught off-guard, I
mumbled some bland response. In my
heart, I wanted to scream, YES. I
mentioned this to Brook later and from then on out, this little girl was first
on our minds and hearts.
A few
months after that, we were asked to be house parents. The logical option for us was to look after the little boys
because of certain teenagers leaving the home. We were to be the first adult caretakers the home had
experienced. Prior, it had been
teenagers who also came from trauma looking after the younger kids. But after prayer and intuition, it
seemed more fitting to put us with the little girls. Who was in that little girl group? Yes, my precious and
spunky firecracker. If what was
before a far-off dream that we knew was impossible, we got one step further in
our pursuit of her, by getting to take care of her, guide her, pray with her,
play with her, get punched, scratched, kicked and poked by this beloved
daughter of the King.
We got
to KNOW her. Know when she was
tired, know when she was having a heart cry, know when she was feeling
introverted and wanted to stare in space, know that she loved to be the boss
but also had her sweet, goofy side, know that she heard the Holy Spirit
clearly, know that she was brave beyond measure even when she would pour her
fears on us, grabbing us and not letting us leave her until she was asleep at
night. Through all this, life with
her confirmed that we wanted to pursue her until she was our legal, forever
daughter.
Steps
were taken to pursue this legal process.
Steps were delayed, but made the process more intact. Lawyers, embassies, consulates,
passport copies and stamps and more stamps. Decision to move out of the Fundacion because if we were
living there, this would be another obstacle to pursuing her as our daughter.
Called
into a meeting. Informed there was
a family ready to adopt our precious one.
Shock, confusion, joy, gratefulness. We wanted what was best for her. Yes, we wanted her to be ‘ours’ but ultimately we knew she
was His and if this family wanted to take care of and love her, we surrendered
and rejoiced because adoption is beautiful.
We
prayed that we would be able to see her off before we moved to Guatemala City
for 2 months. The family came two
days before we left. Thank you
Jesus. Sweet parents, who seem to
be dedicated and lovely. We got to
hug and cry and say our farewells to the one we dreamed of calling daughter,
her smiling, laughing, shouting ‘mommy’ to the woman she just met, bouncing in
a booster seat. Her excitement and
joy exploding out of her. She
understood. She knew she now was part of a family. Forever.
Well, I guess, forever is not always
forever. Less than two months later, they gave
up. They could not handle her
cries. They didn’t want her anymore.
We don’t know why. Maybe they weren’t prepared for a child who
experienced abandonment and institutional care all her life. Maybe they couldn’t imagine the
emotional outbursts we warned them about.
Maybe they thought it would be easy for her to leave the only home she
had ever known to go live with a rich family in the City. They wanted another daughter to
accompany the one they already had.
They wanted a second daughter to make their family better, not
harder. Were they willing to
sacrifice their lives, persevere and love this child selflessly? Whose interest was it for them to
adopt, theirs or hers?
This.
This is too much. This is the girl
we wanted to be ours. The one who
asked me once, “Your are my real mom, right?” and who I wanted with every ounce
in me to say yes, of course, dear. You are my firecracker, my girl. I love you.
I will never leave you. But I
couldn’t, because my dream hadn’t come true yet. The paperwork was waiting. The laws were against us. Life in this country is so unpredictable. Courts and judges don’t make right
decisions. I would be lying if I
said yes and I would be giving false hope if I even hinted that this was my
great desire.
I have
seen a four year old take his last breath, I have sat through sobs of a teenage
girl who saw her best friend burn in flames, I have spent hours in the national
hospital with another little one who could have died from eating a toxic plant,
I have defended the same one when she told me a man kissed her in her ‘inside
part’ and no one else believed her, I have cried out in prayer for the children
I love to be healed and freed, but this. This. An adopted child “returned”? Abandoned. Again. This is the worst.
Why is
this the worst above all? Because
adoption is the most beautiful demonstration of what Father God has done for
us. He has gifted us with the
Spirit of Adoption.
“For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to
fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba,
Father.” (Romans 8:15)
Knowing
that we are sons and daughters is fundamental to knowing our identity, our
purpose, and where we belong. This
little girl who never knew what a family was to begin with, is now more
confused and more unaware of what Father God is offering her, eternal adoption,
one that will never change it’s mind.
No matter how much she screams, hits, cries, says “I hate you,” or calls
out for other caregivers (or idols), Father God loves her and never turns His
back on her. But how is she going
to know that? How will she read
the Bible and read about this “Spirit of adoption” and know what that
means? Her experience shows her
that adoption isn’t anything more than visiting a nice couple’s house and
missing her old life and then being sent to another home to “try” another
family, who might reject her.
This is not the gospel.
This is heartbreaking.
God is
a god who pursues. While her
biological parents and this “adoptive” couple let her down, God doesn’t. I know that He is there with her. I pray she knows it. In the meantime, Brook and I, with the
support of our Guatemalan staff, have been following up on her case. Apparently, she got placed with another
“adoptive” family, but we shall see whether this family perseveres in the
Spirit of adoption or choose the easy Spirit of abandonment. We are praying for God’s will to be
done, for He is holy and knows what is good, but we are also praying for our
desire to be done; to bring our firecracker home. We are coming to the Lord as the persistent widow does.
“Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that
they should always pray and not give up. He said: “In a certain town there was
a judge who neither feared God nor cared what people thought. And there was a
widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, ‘Grant me justice
against my adversary.’
“For some time he refused.
But finally he said to himself, ‘Even though I don’t fear God or care what
people think, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she
gets justice, so that she won’t eventually come and attack me!’”
And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. And
will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day
and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they
get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find
faith on the earth?” (Luke 18:1-8)
Please be praying with
us. She is now with another
family. If this family is the
family she is meant to be with, we surrender our desire and we pray blessing
upon this family and that healing happens in this little girl’s life and that
all confusion and Spirit of abandonment leaves and Spirit of adoption
grows. But if this family gives up
as well, we pray that this little girl becomes our daughter and that despite
many laws and what seems impossible, God splits the seas and makes a way. He has done it before and I know He
will do it again.
Please pray that we and this
little girl see the beauty of Jesus in all of this. Please pray for us to persevere in prayer like the widow
because it is easy to give up and lose hope. Please pray for the adoption organization in Guatemala (CNA)
to prepare future adoptive parents more adequately- kids from trauma are not
easy kids. Parents have to know
that and have tools to work with their children. Otherwise, many kids will
experience multiple cycles of abandonment.
Please pray for a Spirit of
adoption in this country, where international adoption is closed and there is
not a culture of adoption locally.
When people do want to adopt it is usually because they can’t have their
own, rather than wanting to bring the orphan home as a first choice. Please pray that the last (the orphan)
comes first in this country. Let
people rise up who will reflect the nature of God, who is a good Father.
